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Wuemsel's Fanfic Corner

A Doris Day


Starsky didn´t bother to call out for his partner as he let himself into Hutch´s apartment. His partner´s battered LTD wasn´t parked in front of the building, so it was most likely Hutch wasn´t at home, anyway.

Heading straight for the kitchen, Starsky shrugged out of his jacket to lay it neatly folded on the couch´s headrest, humming happily to himself. He was really looking forward to this evening. They had the next day off, so it´d be a dinner, a few beers at The Pits-in short: a good time.

A much deserved, much needed, much desired good time.

It had been two days ago that they both had been dumped by their girls, and they defenitely needed a "testosterony evening".

Hutch had come up with that word, much to his partner´s surprise. But then there were few things that could annoy Hutch in that sort of cute, inspiring way like women.

"You know what? I hate women," the blond had stated grumpily that night two days ago when the both of them had been staring pathetically into their beers at The Pit´s.

"Or no, wait," Hutch had corrected himself after a moment´s thought, "I hate women´s best friends."

"Yep," Starsky had nodded, looking as miserable as his partner. "Women shouldn´t be allowed to befriend other women. It´s..."

"Unnatural," Hutch had finished grimly.

"Yep. And unhealthy."


"Mean," Starsky had mumbled in his glass.

"Yeah," Hutch had nodded enthusiastically. "Cruel. I mean just because you´re simply unable to function in a relation-ship doesn´t mean I am too."

"Excuse me, Mr. 'We´ll ask Starsky `bout it', but wasn´t it your oh so functional relationship that ended first?!"

That being the truth, Hutch had just mumbled some inaudible words into his arms he´d rested his chin on.

"`Sides I was functioning pretty well untill you had to start this 'let Starsky decide who´s right'-thing."

Hutch´s head had snapped up at that. "Well, partner, you could have said you were on my side, you know!"

"But I wasn´t."

"Elaine calls me a smart ass, and you´re not on my side?!"

"Hutch, you ARE a smart ass sometimes."

With a grumbled "hm", Hutch´s chin had found its way back onto his arms. "At least I´m loyal."

"Oh cut it out, will ya," Starsky had muttered and had folded his arms on the bar too, resting his chin on top, just like his partner.

Huggy, who´d watched the scene from the distance had chuckled loud enough to draw their attention towards him.

"And what´re you laughing at?!" Hutch had asked irritatedly.

"Nothin´," Huggy had quickly answered, his hands risen defensively. "Absolutely nothin´. Just wonderin´ where the two lovely ladies you so very generously presented my eyes with last night went."

"Oh shut up," Hutch had muttered.

"What Blondie tries to say," Starsky had started to explain, "is that his inability of-"

"What Curly tries to say," Hutch had interrupted him, annoyed, "is that his lack of-"

"They dumped you, huh?" Huggy had smirked, blinking innocently at the two miserable detectives.
"Well, you could say it like that," Starsky had nodded.

"Yeah, if you´d want to be really insensitive," Hutch had agreed.

"So what happened?"

Sighing, Starsky had looked briefly at Hutch, who´d once more been hiding half of his face in the crook of one arm, looking like a little boy sulking.

"Hutch and Elaine had a fight," he explained, "and since he´s the brains of this duo," he continued sarcastically, "he just had to drag me into it too."

"Yeah," Hutch had cut in, "me being dumb enough to trust him, I thought he´d back me up."

"When it´s about a girl?!" Huggy had asked in amused disbelief.

"See! That´s what I said!" Starsky had nodded. "I mean, hey, Carol´s Elaine´s best friend. And I really cared about Carol so-"

"Meaning the night was still early," Huggy had interrupted dryly. Hutch had smirked.

"Yeah, well, whatever," Starsky had replied shortly. "Anyway, my girl´s best friend is having an argument with my best friend and he has to ask ME for MY opinion!"

"Smooth move, Blondie," Huggy had commented, visibly enjoying the show.

"I thought he´d back me up!" Hutch had defended himself. "Which he didn´t, I might repeat."

"I just don´t care that you´re a slob and never call her back, okay?! I only didn´t want Carol to be mad at me!"

"I´m not a slob!"

"Hutch, you let your boxers lay around in the kitchen, and the cockroaches are surfing on dust waves in your living room. Half the calls on your phone bill were probably made by the rats calling the health department."

Hutch had opened his mouth to shoot a reply at his partner, but then had thought differently and had just cast him a dirty look, before turning to Huggy again: "Anyway, he did not defend my honor."

"I would have," Starsky had said sadly, "if I´d known Carol would get mad because of me being no good as a friend."

Huggy´s eyes had widened as much as they could. "Huh?!"

Hutch had laughed a dirty laugh, obviously satisfied with the way things had had turned out. "Yeah, she told him that if he isn´t on his partner´s side no matter what, he probably has troubles being loyal to people. Emotional-wise, you know."

By the time Hutch had finished the sentence Huggy had already been laughing out loud.

"That´s so funny," Starsky had muttered grumpily.

"You should have seen his face when she´d told him she couldn´t waste her time on someone with those sort of problems!"

"Yeah," Starsky had nodded sarcastically, "bet I looked almost as dumb as you when they both left."

Hutch had been just about to reply something, when the almost hysterical laughter next to them had drewn both their attentions towards their friend who´d been enjoying himself a little too much for their liking.

"You know, Hug, it´s not that funny," Hutch had said dryly.

"I think it´s a scream."

"Oh yeah? Like to scream a little louder?" Starsky had offered.

"Hey, no need to harm the innocent," Huggy had told them while slowly strolling back into the kitchen.

"You know what we need?" Hutch had asked a few minutes later, when they both were in their chin-on-arms-position again.

"Separate dates."

"No, a testosterony evening."

"A what?!"

"A testosterony evening. You know, hanging out, drinking, talking mean about women..."

"That´s the silliest word you ever invented. I like the last part, though."

"We got the day after tomorrow off, why don´t you come over to my place and I make dinner?"

"Hutch, that´s really testost... manly, you know-cooking," Starsky had commented, mockingly punching his partner´s arm.

"I know," Hutch had nodded in mock seriousness, playing along. "And you know what? We´ll leave the dishes in the sink afterwards without cleaning them!"

"Wow, slow down, tiger, you´re scaring me."

"Well," Hutch had asked, suppressing a laugh, "whaddaya say, tough guy?"

"I´m on. Who needs women, anyway?" Starsky had said, finishing off his beer.

After a very brief moment´s thought, two deep sighs followed by two raised hands, to order more beer, had answered the rhetorical question.


Lost in thoughts, Starsky now headed into Hutch´s kitchen, opening the fridge out of pure reflex, but found only a bowl half filled with something funny and Hutch´s usual supplies-milk, milk, milk, yogurt in boring looking white plastic boxes and more milk-in it.

Frowning, he closed the fridge again and only then noticed the note his partner had taped onto it.

"Out of beer. Be right back," it read.

Shrugging to himself, Starsky turned to head back to the couch and watch some TV untill his partner would return, when his foot connected with a bottle on the ground, that fell noisily against another one. Bending down, the detective picked the empty bottles up-beer and juice-and shook his head while looking around for some place to put them.

Finally, he put them onto the table where already emty bottles and plastic bags, probably once used for bread, lay, then turned to rummage in one of Hutch´s kitchen drawers, searching for a large plastic bag. When he´d found one, he put the two bottles and the others that stood on the table into it and was just about to let the thing fall down where he stood, when he noticed more bottles on a stool in the living room.

When he finally put the bag down next to Hutch´s garbage can in the kitchen, he´d collected every single empty bottle in it he´d found in the apartment.

Checking his watch, he wondered what took Hutch so long and absentmindedly began collecting the empty plastic bags and cans in another large bag. In that one he also put the remains of food-half-eaten apples and peels that lay on the kitchen table-wrinkling his nose as he picked up a glass that once had contained yogurt and then had obviously been turned into a small garbage can.

"Uh yuck!"

On his way back to the kitchen he picked up his partner´s clothes that lay crumbled on the ground and threw them unceremoniously into the bedroom, then thought about it and followed them inside, folded them and lay them on Hutch´s bed.

Somehow he couldn´t seem to stop.

When he was back in the kitchen, he turned to the breakfast bar, gathered together a bunch of newspaper that he put on top of the bags next to the garbage can, and sighed at the condition of the poor bar. It had spots of spilled coffee and milk all over it, and once more not really registering what he was doing, Starsky fished a cloth out of the sink and began to scrub the bar.
Humming happily to himself, he grabbed another bowl that sat on the bar, containing-something- and, sniffing slightly at it, decided that whatever it was he´d better do something about it before it might wake up...

Having flushed the green stuff down the toilet, he washed the bowl and since he was already on it, also cleaned the collection of Hutch´s coffee cups that sat around the sink and had probably last seen water when their owner had moved in.

Having finished with that, Starsky turned to the breakfast bar again.


Hutch was sighing in relief when he finally opened the door to his place and sagged tiredly against the closed door.

Not used to normal people´s everyday life, he´d forgotten that it was the shopping rush hour in the supermarket around the corner, and after having to stand in line with two sixpacks in his arms for over 45 minutes, he´d been so very selfless and kind to let an elderly woman step in line in front of him at the cash register, only to learn she was paying for her week´s groceries with pennies she had to count in front of the cashier. Being more than a little senile, though, she had to count more than once...

Hutch had been seriously contemplating about drawing his badge (or his gun for that matter) on the poor granny, when she´d finally picked the last coin out of the jar she´d brought along.
Having spotted his partner´s Torino outside his appartment, Hutch was about to yell an apology for having been away so long, when he suddenly noticed a change in his apartment´s appearance.
Since he couldn´t really put his finger on what it was that had changed, he just frowned silently and, throwing the sixpacks on the couch, pushed himself away from the door to approach his partner who he could hear singing "Que sera, sera" to himself in the kitchen.

A little surprised that Starsky wasn´t dozing on the couch with the TV on, Hutch didn´t call out for him, but more or less sneaked inside the kitchen, curious about what his friend was doing.
The sight that met him made him widen his eyes in amused disbelief.

Completely unaware of Hutch´s arrival, Starsky was still busy cleaning the breakfast bar. He´d put the blender out of the way and was scrubbing at a particularly old and crusty spot of spilled milk on the wood of the bar.

It took all of Hutch´s patience to not burst out laughing at the sight, but he forced himself to be absolutely still for a few more seconds, before he called out loudly.

"Honey, I´m hooome!"

"AAAHHH!!!" Starsky´s feet actually lost contact with the ground as he jumped and whirled around to face his grinning partner. His heart pounded as he stood, panting from shock.

"Sorry I´m so late, sweetheart," Hutch continued mockingly. "Traffic was murder. What´s for dinner? Kids already in bed?"

"D-d-don´t d-do that to me!" Starsky replied weakly and briefly closed his eyes, clutching his chest. "Man, I think my heart missed a beat."

"I´m sure it can afford that," Hutch winked, then bent a little over as if trying to look over his partner´s shoulder. "Mind telling me what you´re doing here?"

Starsky let out a deep breath, and only after that he seemed to hear the question. His gaze wandered down to the cloth in his hands, then over to the neatly lined up bags and the breakfast bar. He grinned sheepishly, looking back at Hutch, who lifted his brows questioningly.


"I can´t leave you alone for one hour, can I?" Hutch chided, shaking his head slightly.

"Hey , wait a minu-"

"You know what you are, Starsk? A neat freak."

"Am not!"

"Oh no?" Hutch replied with a chuckle and snatched the cloth out of his friend´s hands, holding it up to show it to him, then picked up one of the now perfectly clean coffee mugs next to the sink and held it up too, raising his brows.

Starsky snorted. "Just because I´m worried about you catching the coffee bug´s desease. You´d be surprised how many new life-forms I found on the verge of popping to life in your living room."

If possible, Hutch´s eyes grew even wider as his gaze travelled back to the living room and then to the bags on the ground. "You cleaned the living room?!"

"You didn´t notice?!"

Hutch´s words were barely understandable through the fits of laughter that shook his whole body. "You sound like Doris Day in one of those mov-"

"Oh really?" Starsky interrupted him dryly, though his eyes were glittering with amusement too. "Would that make you Rock Hudson?"

The laughing stopped instantly. "Uh... I better get starting on that dinner."

"Hm-mm," Starsky nodded, smirking, contend with his momentary triumph. He stepped aside and strolled over to the couch to collect the sixpack.

"Hey Starsk," Hutch called after him from where he was rummaging inside the fridge.


"That´s so manly, you know-cleaning another guy´s kitchen."

"Oh shut up," Starsky muttered and leaned against the doorframe, opening his beer. "Looking for something?" he asked after a while when Hutch still hadn´t returned from the inside of his fridge.

"Yeah, you´ve seen a blue bowl? I think it stood somewhere over-"

"Uh..." Starsky made, his gaze wandering over to where said bowl lay on the clean dishes´side of the sink. "Wh-why?"

"What you mean 'why', Gordo, it´s the..." Hutch hushed when he too found the bowl, and turning, he frowned at Starsky, who shrank back against the wall. "You cleaned it?"


"What´d you do with what was in it?"

"Uhm...freed it?"


Raising his hands in a helpless manner, Starsky told his partner that he´d disposed the stuff.

"Disposed of it?! That "stuff" was our dinner!"

"Oh. Really?" Starsky asked, all guilt vanishing from his face. "Gee, am I glad I got here before you," he muttered, absentmindedly rubbing his stomach.

Hutch stared at him, growling slightly.

"Hey, come on," Starsky said with a smile, grabbing a beer to hold it out for his partner, "this way maybe it can return to its family."

"Funny Starsk. Very funny."

"I know. Pizza?"

After a last glare at his friend, Hutch nodded, accepting the beer. "`Kay. You´re paying."

"Sure thing," Starsky nodded quickly while shoving his partner over to the couch, where Hutch sat down, throwing the bottle cap over his shoulder.

"Starsk," he said quietly a second later.

"Yeah?" Starsky asked, looking up from where he´d bent down to pick up the bottle cap from the ground.

"Leave it there."

"But...sure, whatever you say, buddy."

Hutch nodded sternly, then asked: "So-want to watch a game?"

"Hmm..." Starsky made, twisting a corner of his mouth.

Leaning his head against the headrest so he could look at Starsky standing behind the couch, Hutch smiled amusedly. "Want to play a game?"

"Hmmm..." Starsky made, raising his brows like a child.

"Monopoly or chess?"

"Monopoly," came the instant reply.

Hutch laughed. "`Kay, you order the pizza, I´ll get the game."

"Yep," Starsky nodded enthusiastically and bounced off to the phone. "Hey Hutch?"

"Yeah?" Hutch turned where he stood in the doorway to the bedroom.

"We´re real tough guys, aren´t we?" he cuckled, shaking his head over the two of them.

Hutch laughed. "Course we are, babe."

"Yeah," Starsky nodded in mock seriousness, trying to make his voice sound deeper. "C´mon now, go get the testoss...this manly game we always play."

"Hm-mm. But no scrubbing the board," Hutch grinned and quickly ducked inside the room as a pillow hit the door, throwing it shut.